Ryan call me.
Ryan.. called me .
I'm not going to deny that it makes me happy that he called cause I'm totally happy that he called. It's just the circumstances on why he called and he was drunk when he called that has me sad. He's a dangerous person and I mean that in a emotional state wise. He's lonely because he pushed people away and he's a drunk who calls people to hang out but when he's sober he doesn't bother with any of them ( ME)
I'm a sucker in the most obvious ways. I love him and I want him to be better but I CAN'T make him better if he doesn't want to be. He knows he is what he is and I think he only feels it when he drunk but he hides it when he's sober till he can't handle it anymore. My friends tell me I should forget about him (total cliche) I can't help it though . There is one person that you'll always come back to and that's him.
I want better, I deserve better but I can't help myself but drag my self down with him. I feel like his anchor and the boat is sinking.This can be completely one sided I can have all these emotions and thoughts and wanting for him and he could have nothing for me. While we were on the couch he had his head in my lap and his hand was holding my wrist I thought this is what love is, this is what I want -this moment. I think when we are not speaking for months I will remember that and maybe it will be a memory I always keep to myself when I know we are no longer what we are to each other.
We sort of made plans to hang out this weekend. I told him to call me he said he will but the past seems to always make a fool of the present I don't think he will call. As much as I hope he does the dark pit of negativity tell's me he won't . I want to call but I don't think I will.
