Pray the happy away.

I found something about myself yesterday, My friend and I begun asking ourselves what are we grateful for today and what would we wish for today. I'm slowly realising that I'm have to find things that I'm grateful and what I wish for. I though it would be easy! I was wrong. It's taking me a couple moments to think what I'm grateful for. I already used up my family, my friends and my life what else could I be grateful for?

That has me thinking as much as I thought my life was bad and dreary it's not. I make it seem like it's something not worth living for. I have a good life and I've haven't been through something that's terrible to over come. I've been living and I should be grateful that I haven't been through anything that has questioned my reason to live. Yesterday I was going to say I wish I was happier but what would make me happier? I have a home and job a car and money in my bank. I get to do things that most people can't so why am I asking to be happier?

Miles to get to you and you never answered your door.

The whole Ryan situation ended in n  a text and a single sentence.

I wasn't expecting a response and when I received one I was surprised how I felt ; elated, sad and a sudden sense of doom. I continued on thinking I was doing the right  thing but the responses I received I felt more of  "oh no" what did I open.  I finally got the answer I 've been waiting for and it wasn't a good one, I had to read it a couple times to actually have my brain kick in and say THIS IS THE END.  I was at a bar with some friend's while this happen; it took all of me not to drown  my sorrows in the drinking and drinking . I didn't though I still regret my lame ass response it was  ' Alright then ' I think it was the shock of it all and I had nothing else to say or I didn't want to continue to talk to him.

It's funny that we don't realize that it hurts until we let go of what was holding the wound closed. I cried on my way home, if anybody saw me that night they probably thought I was crazy but I cried and cried but it wasn't harsh guttural sobs, just silent tears that just kept coming. I kept thinking the years that we've talked and the years that we didn't talk. How is this any different from what we've done?

I know that it's over; whatever we had is over I think that's one of the reason's I cried so much because I mourned for what we had and for what we never will have. He has his own demons to fight and I can't be there while he fights them as a friend or as anything else. I want to think he's doing this to protect me from himself because if I was to be with him I would get mixed up with his demon's and I would resent the shadows he created for us. (At least that's what I'm telling myself ) I'm okay now and I will be okay later Ryan will always be a sore spot for me but just like the other men that have been in my life he's just a chapter that's in my unfinished book.