Even though I had my fair share of love (sorta BGreen included ). I want to be in love.
I want that feeling of joy and passion and looking at that person and say ' Hey, I love you'and have those words repeated back to me.
I wouldn't mind looking into the future to see what the universe has for me, after all if you been single as long as I have you would go a little crazy. I like to think that I'm out going and I'm pretty enough to find someone but when you put your self out there and find no one is looking you get a little psyched out. After all doesn't our society place beauty first and if a lady is not pretty, beautiful, has this aweosme figure she obviously doesn't need to be spared a glance. SO WHAT DOES A WOMEN HAVE TO DO TO ATTRACT SOMEONE.
Am I being to hard on my self?
After all I'm 24 still young and my eggs ( god willing) are still in working order. So you ask why would want all this? I never had it! So why not have these feelings and moments when everyone clearly has had this. I know it's going to happen I just would like to know when and how long am I going to wait.I think apart of me is afraid of the journey that I will have to go through to find the person, as much as I want to take the short cut I know it's not going to get me anywhere good.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Friday, March 23, 2012
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
can I miss you even if you're still here ?
I miss my grandmother
She has alzhemiers
In the beginning everyone thought she was just forgetful and getting older. Missing keys, couldn't find her car, couldn't find her phone. They should of been signs of something wrong but all of us just shrugged our shoulders and became aspirated about the situations my grandmother fell in.
Then my grandfather left my grandma and she was alone in apartment, I slept over some days when she said she was lonely. I wish I remeber during that time if she was happy or if she was afraid of what was going to happen with her life. Then things got worst so she moved in with us and then everything turned into a nightmare.
It was a struggle for her to remeber where she was and why she was living with us, she was angry and mean and sweet all in a day. This wasn't my grandma that I grew up with( this wasn't a person I knew) It made me angry because seeing her change and become someone who seemed to be crazy. My mom had a hard time going through it she still does and she feels guilty I'm pretty sure if given the choice my mom would have it to spear my grandmother.
I miss her when days I smell a perfume that reminds me of her, early morning's when she use to make me oatmeal just right.The things that she use to say that would make me feel better about my self. I don't think about those things because they make me cry and ache for my grandmother.
She has alzhemiers
In the beginning everyone thought she was just forgetful and getting older. Missing keys, couldn't find her car, couldn't find her phone. They should of been signs of something wrong but all of us just shrugged our shoulders and became aspirated about the situations my grandmother fell in.
Then my grandfather left my grandma and she was alone in apartment, I slept over some days when she said she was lonely. I wish I remeber during that time if she was happy or if she was afraid of what was going to happen with her life. Then things got worst so she moved in with us and then everything turned into a nightmare.
It was a struggle for her to remeber where she was and why she was living with us, she was angry and mean and sweet all in a day. This wasn't my grandma that I grew up with( this wasn't a person I knew) It made me angry because seeing her change and become someone who seemed to be crazy. My mom had a hard time going through it she still does and she feels guilty I'm pretty sure if given the choice my mom would have it to spear my grandmother.
I miss her when days I smell a perfume that reminds me of her, early morning's when she use to make me oatmeal just right.The things that she use to say that would make me feel better about my self. I don't think about those things because they make me cry and ache for my grandmother.
Monday, March 19, 2012
beginner's luck
If we lived everyday perfectly would we wonder how would our days would be if they weren't ??
I saw my ex on Friday ( now mind you it wasn't a ex that I wasn't in love with so we had to break up,we had to break up because of his race, imagine that ! ) After I broke up with him I felt punched in the gut and torn about my family (after all how could family not let you love someone) Don't worry no scenes from Romen and Juliet here. I know what your thinking how could a 23/24 women let her (folks) run her love life Well I have a couple reasons;
1. No matter how old you are your parents always think they can run your life ( In my case they did)
2. I was worried I would lose my family ( I felt like if I choose love for this man my family would no longer love me and apart of me wondered the love I have for this man won't fill the place my family does)
3.I'm a spoiled brat who enjoys the finer things in life.
My mother threatened to disown me and all that I knew for me never having to fend for myself and be out of a home that I grew up in scared me a great deal. I wasn't working and I was going to school I DEPENDED on my folks to shelter me and give me food and other nesseciates so what choice did I have??
So we broke up and kept in touch secretly it was thrilling but also filled me with longing. Why just couldn't I be with this one person!! As things go and we both moved on in sorts he's still single and I'm still single occasically in each other gravity but never connecting just circling.
I wonder if my life was different if I choose different things and my parents (namely my mother ) was different would I still be with him? Would I be happy that I stood my ground and choose him? Would he be happy with me? I'm always wondering...
I saw my ex on Friday ( now mind you it wasn't a ex that I wasn't in love with so we had to break up,we had to break up because of his race, imagine that ! ) After I broke up with him I felt punched in the gut and torn about my family (after all how could family not let you love someone) Don't worry no scenes from Romen and Juliet here. I know what your thinking how could a 23/24 women let her (folks) run her love life Well I have a couple reasons;
1. No matter how old you are your parents always think they can run your life ( In my case they did)
2. I was worried I would lose my family ( I felt like if I choose love for this man my family would no longer love me and apart of me wondered the love I have for this man won't fill the place my family does)
3.I'm a spoiled brat who enjoys the finer things in life.
My mother threatened to disown me and all that I knew for me never having to fend for myself and be out of a home that I grew up in scared me a great deal. I wasn't working and I was going to school I DEPENDED on my folks to shelter me and give me food and other nesseciates so what choice did I have??
So we broke up and kept in touch secretly it was thrilling but also filled me with longing. Why just couldn't I be with this one person!! As things go and we both moved on in sorts he's still single and I'm still single occasically in each other gravity but never connecting just circling.
I wonder if my life was different if I choose different things and my parents (namely my mother ) was different would I still be with him? Would I be happy that I stood my ground and choose him? Would he be happy with me? I'm always wondering...
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