How good is change.

I'm in the friend zone. I don't know if that should surprise me or not; in my earlier post I kinda felt something happening but obviously it wasn't the good kind (or maybe it is). He wasn't ready and I can't hate him or feel anything other then okay. Because they're people in this world who are just not ready and then are those who are ready and those are the ones who suffer. I'm not exactly suffering or lovelorn but it hurts to slightly know that maybe your not good enough for this one person.  I can be all positive and boisterous and say maybe he couldn't handle me and I'm to good for a man like he was. There is  a lot of things I can say but it doesn't change anything we are still friends and I think we always be. I won't wait for him there is no reason for me too.

This is a lesson for me and I don't know if I liked learning it.

Everything Moves

I know it's been awhile since I've posted anything. I actually been busy nothing  important but going out with friends and working. I can say that I've enjoyed my life now then I have ever enjoyed it before. I can't say there is a difference from now then how it was before but I certainly feel different now emotinal wise and physicial.

I'm sorta seeing someone (gasp) it's strange how it has happen. I'm kinda figuring out the qualities you want in a person tend to go by the wayside or maybe there weren't the ones you actually wanted. A part of me feels like it won't last long like this is just a pressure cooker of emotions and we are both just waiting for it to be done. I'm getting all those  NEW emotions the butterflies, the smiling uncontrollably and general goodness but there are always doubts with those emotions and I'm trying not to bring them up and just feel them. I just need to relax and have things flow and flow and flow.

That's all I really got feelings upon feelings aren't they fun.

Past and Present

A friend and I were talking about experiences that we've been through, would we change things if we knew everything now. I'm sure everybody thinks this but would you change things? I would like to think the choices I made some how happen in a different life ( If I went left in this life, I went right in my other). I do wonder if I would be happy in either life, how my choices would be different and how I would be as a person. Would I still be in this position I am now ?

Ghost

All of this

Got me what ?

You

This mess of you
 tarnish and broken.

I have words

 For you

 heavy and hurtful
 about your  lies and waste of moments that made me happy.

You

Are shadow's in the day and the night
 keeping me up and wanting me to follow.

All of this

Got me

You

 I'll never haunt you they way you have haunted me.

Piece or Peace

I though I could count on myself to breathe but all this running got my lungs burning.
       with answers I don't have.

If you can just reach inside of me and get what you need to love me.
            I won't feel so lonely anymore.

Going back to what ?

I'm going back to school in August.

I'm excited about it I would like to further my education, I once read a poster that said you can never be over educated and overdressed and I believe in both.   I'm going for Early Childhood Education ( yes I want to be a teacher) I'm 24 and going back to school (yikes). I need to do something with my life at times I feel like I'm drifting in out of spaces. I'm a little nervous going back I remember when I first went to college orientation I had a panic attack and called my mom to calm me down.  I know it's different now and I'm a lot older but when I think about what's going to happen and things that I have to do I feel a little a bit of panic.  I"m a naturally shy person ( I don't know if it's because I'm an  only child and I was around adults most of the time) I panic that I'm not smart enough and I won't go any further then my pre-req classes. I panic that I'm stuck with people younger then me ( yes, I know I'm not that old) but having the possibility of facing or talking to some one in the early 20's scares me a bit.

Onto the next chapter of this story

I'm a virgin and I'm single.

I don't regret being a virgin and if you're thinking I'm saving myself because religious reasons that's not it. I just never thought the few men I've been with wasn't worth them taking that from me. ( yay women power). I have my moments when I'm regret my decisions because I could of tap many of asses!!!

I know I need to find someone deserving of my awesomeness that is my vagina .  I know,  I know my time is not up yet ( sounds like my death) In away this virginity is a burden to me.When people find you're a virgin they either look at you with an Awwwww look it's a cute wittle bunny or Dammmm Really.. ??  I feel like getting up in there face  and saying YES really I'm sorry I didn't loose it when I was 14 ya damn skank  but I smile politely and say nothing.

I wonder if I should loose it with a friend ( wiggles eyebrows suggestively ) I want to experience sexual passion and I do want to do it!! (heh)  I know this is suppose to be all apart of life sex, love and becoming yourself and these all the things I want but what would I have to trade for all these things. I mean I'm pretty sure I can call some one and say lets get down and they're all for it but I don't know if I can follow through . This is a battle that I am always thinking about and it never gets any easier as more time passes.

This time.

I forgot there was you hiding beneath my heart.