I've been wandering, trying to be found

I haven't wrote in this in awhile, if you look at my last post you can see the time line (it's been hell-a long)
I guess I've been busy with my life to write anything or maybe I've realized once its written down I can look back on what was written I can finally feel it. As sad it may sound I don't want to feel anything, I just want to go through the motions through life and be done with it.

I went to Chicago and I thought it was fantastic it felt good to be in a different place! I didn't feel like I belong but I didn't feel lost either. I think that's my problem I feel like I don't belong there is this part of me that feels like I can never get on the same level with anyone.

I'm a mountain in the distance.

I"m still single, I don't mind it either. I'm still a virgin, I'm not sure if I mind it anymore I'm 25 yes, I know I should be proud that I held it down for so long but I want companionship and I have  partners along the way but it never really has gotten anywhere. Should I take that as a sign ? Maybe when it comes down to actually having sex I get freaked out.

I'm in love with someone who doesn't have any regard for me at all, is too selfish is to much of a coward to ever love me. Why should I love this person ? Why should I even care? We've known each other for a couple years. The first moment I saw him I had the biggest crush on him! Me being the klutz I am was a complete ditz about it. Some how we started hanging out once and awhile then we messed around which was amazing for me but there are things that we did that meant alot to me that I can forget. We use to lay in bed together and just sleep. What guy does that!!! What happen to me and him left me more confused then ever. Then he moved away for a year or two and I slowly forgot him then out of no where he came back into my life. Everything change and everything was the same which frustrates me HE FRUSTRATES me!

He called me drunk on his birthday asking me to pick up him and wanting me to sleep over and he would make me breakfast. I wanted to hear him tell me that so many times but not when he was drunk. I went; I'm a fool I will always go when he calls or tries to get in touch with me. There are few times I resisted and I always regretted them. (I have so much regret with him). That night we mess around I didn't stay as much as I wanted to ( I really did) I came back the next day and we just laid in bed together talking , laughing but nothing sexual happened. I was happy in that moment but also disappointment it felt like I was okay to get down when he was drunk but when sober it was nothing there to go for.


Alot of things happen in-between and we haven't talked since then, I sent him a message to not call me when drunk or don't call me at all. I felt happy and relieved at the time I sent it but after when I notice he read it and didn't want to reply I felt hurt and pushed aside and used.  I hated that feeling, I still feel that way. I think about him all the time I want to call him and talk to him. He makes me feel crazy and all these feelings that I hate that I think all the time. He makes  me not want to feel anymore He makes me not want to love anymore.


I'm an enemy of my own self. I punish myself for all the things that happen to me but I have to remember each blame I place on my self is just a reflection of the person that I blame. ( does that make sense)

I think I will call him one day and get what I want from this whole mess of a mess we've made. I do wonder if I affect him the way he affected me. Does he feel regret ?  Does he want to call me ? Does he love me ?