I'm an Animal in a cage.

Ryan call me.
Ryan.. called me .

I'm not going to deny that it makes me happy that he called cause I'm totally happy that he called. It's just the circumstances on why he called and he was drunk when he called that has me sad. He's a dangerous person and I mean that in a emotional state wise. He's lonely because he pushed people away and he's a drunk who calls people to hang out but when he's sober he doesn't bother with any of them ( ME)

I'm a sucker in the most obvious ways. I love him and I want him to be better but I  CAN'T make him better if he doesn't want to be. He knows he is what he is and I think he only feels it when he drunk but he hides it when he's sober till  he can't handle it anymore. My friends tell me I should forget about  him  (total cliche) I can't help it though . There is one person that you'll always come back to and that's him.

I want better, I deserve better but I can't help myself but drag my self down with him. I feel like his anchor and the boat is sinking.This can be completely one sided I can have all these emotions and thoughts and wanting for him and he could have nothing for me. While we were on the couch he had his head in my lap and his hand was holding my wrist I thought this is what love is, this is what I want -this moment. I think when we are not speaking for months I will remember that and maybe it will be a memory I always keep to myself  when I know we are no longer what we are to each other.

We sort of made plans to hang out this weekend. I told him to call me he said he will but the past seems to always make a fool of the present I don't think he will call. As much as I hope he does the dark pit of negativity tell's me he won't . I want to call but I don't think I will.

You're underneath my skin and I'm itching to get you out.

I can't say that I'm afraid of many things really it's just mostly zombies (because people coming back from the dead and eating other people, why wouldn't you be afraid). The things  that have been happening in  last year and into the new year has made me restless. I've said this before and I will say it many times after I am 25 yrs old and I'm still a virgin. I don't think I've come to terms with that. It's been awhile since I've had a relationship and the ones that I did have really didn't even last the long to make seem like it was an actual one.

Things were fine when I was 22 and even 23 or even 24 and I was still a virgin but now being 25  it's starting to bother me a bit. I know people seem happy and interested when I say that I'm a virgin to me they think  is a medal of honor (which hey that's cool I dig medal's  and awards) I lived it 25 years and I'm afraid I'm always going to be this way.

I'm afraid that I'm going to be alone and barren (not the barren part, I mean childless). I hate when people say "I really don't understand why you're still single (well dammit me too) so I shrug my shoulder and smile politely and say I don't know either. I really don't know! That's the crazy part I dress up I dress down I play all the right parts and I smile at all the right moments and I'm still single at 25.I don't want to wait till I'm 30 to be with the guy  I want to marry or be with a guy. I've been waiting so long

Now that I'm reading this back.. this seems awfully whiny which I'm okay with, I don't want to be 25 and single I don't want to be 30 and still a virgin even though 30 seems far off now. I'm seeing life like that clearly and it makes me sad.

I wave my hands in the air

Apparently I'm not  finish in my self destruction of love.

I heard from a friend that's he's been talking to this other girl (22 yr old) and calling her when he's lonely and they've hung out a few times. When she was telling me all of this I zoned out and each pictured each  scene was of them together being happy. At first I didn't know what to think; apart of me want to hide underneath my work desk and just cry and cry and cry the other part of me wanted to call him and demanded answers. She also told me that  he got a new phone and he doesn't have any phones numbers and I got back to that day when I FB messaged him (yes I did that) and I told him to never to contact me again (yes, I was that dramatic).  I told him not to contact me ever again he's just validating my wishes or is he.

This is were the self depreciation begins why am I not good enough to be called on, what is it about myself that he can't call me. I don't want to come off as whiny or needy and  I don't want to beg his  for affections. I just want some answers I guess that's why I still think of him because there are  questions I want to ask.  I want to call him this weekend but I don't want to because I feel like I'm going to get ignored and feel even worst then I am now. It could be a good thing that I don't call and I just forget about him just erase him from my memory I did it once when he moved away , What's stopping me from doing it now?

I've been wandering, trying to be found

I haven't wrote in this in awhile, if you look at my last post you can see the time line (it's been hell-a long)
I guess I've been busy with my life to write anything or maybe I've realized once its written down I can look back on what was written I can finally feel it. As sad it may sound I don't want to feel anything, I just want to go through the motions through life and be done with it.

I went to Chicago and I thought it was fantastic it felt good to be in a different place! I didn't feel like I belong but I didn't feel lost either. I think that's my problem I feel like I don't belong there is this part of me that feels like I can never get on the same level with anyone.

I'm a mountain in the distance.

I"m still single, I don't mind it either. I'm still a virgin, I'm not sure if I mind it anymore I'm 25 yes, I know I should be proud that I held it down for so long but I want companionship and I have  partners along the way but it never really has gotten anywhere. Should I take that as a sign ? Maybe when it comes down to actually having sex I get freaked out.

I'm in love with someone who doesn't have any regard for me at all, is too selfish is to much of a coward to ever love me. Why should I love this person ? Why should I even care? We've known each other for a couple years. The first moment I saw him I had the biggest crush on him! Me being the klutz I am was a complete ditz about it. Some how we started hanging out once and awhile then we messed around which was amazing for me but there are things that we did that meant alot to me that I can forget. We use to lay in bed together and just sleep. What guy does that!!! What happen to me and him left me more confused then ever. Then he moved away for a year or two and I slowly forgot him then out of no where he came back into my life. Everything change and everything was the same which frustrates me HE FRUSTRATES me!

He called me drunk on his birthday asking me to pick up him and wanting me to sleep over and he would make me breakfast. I wanted to hear him tell me that so many times but not when he was drunk. I went; I'm a fool I will always go when he calls or tries to get in touch with me. There are few times I resisted and I always regretted them. (I have so much regret with him). That night we mess around I didn't stay as much as I wanted to ( I really did) I came back the next day and we just laid in bed together talking , laughing but nothing sexual happened. I was happy in that moment but also disappointment it felt like I was okay to get down when he was drunk but when sober it was nothing there to go for.


Alot of things happen in-between and we haven't talked since then, I sent him a message to not call me when drunk or don't call me at all. I felt happy and relieved at the time I sent it but after when I notice he read it and didn't want to reply I felt hurt and pushed aside and used.  I hated that feeling, I still feel that way. I think about him all the time I want to call him and talk to him. He makes me feel crazy and all these feelings that I hate that I think all the time. He makes  me not want to feel anymore He makes me not want to love anymore.


I'm an enemy of my own self. I punish myself for all the things that happen to me but I have to remember each blame I place on my self is just a reflection of the person that I blame. ( does that make sense)

I think I will call him one day and get what I want from this whole mess of a mess we've made. I do wonder if I affect him the way he affected me. Does he feel regret ?  Does he want to call me ? Does he love me ?

How far must we travel.

So I went out with a guy last night lets call him JONAS. He's good looking average male smile is not that great but it's not that important. He has a steady job, has a car and owns his own house. Now your probably wondering what's the problem. So far there isn't a problem there is obvious interest in me and I don't know if I'm interested in all.

Isn't that messed up? Why can't I find any interest in a man that's interested in me and one that's has a great career and has a good head on his shoulders. I could just be blowing a whole bunch of steam because I'm slightly NERVOUS and then this all can be nothing .

How good is change.

I'm in the friend zone. I don't know if that should surprise me or not; in my earlier post I kinda felt something happening but obviously it wasn't the good kind (or maybe it is). He wasn't ready and I can't hate him or feel anything other then okay. Because they're people in this world who are just not ready and then are those who are ready and those are the ones who suffer. I'm not exactly suffering or lovelorn but it hurts to slightly know that maybe your not good enough for this one person.  I can be all positive and boisterous and say maybe he couldn't handle me and I'm to good for a man like he was. There is  a lot of things I can say but it doesn't change anything we are still friends and I think we always be. I won't wait for him there is no reason for me too.

This is a lesson for me and I don't know if I liked learning it.

Everything Moves

I know it's been awhile since I've posted anything. I actually been busy nothing  important but going out with friends and working. I can say that I've enjoyed my life now then I have ever enjoyed it before. I can't say there is a difference from now then how it was before but I certainly feel different now emotinal wise and physicial.

I'm sorta seeing someone (gasp) it's strange how it has happen. I'm kinda figuring out the qualities you want in a person tend to go by the wayside or maybe there weren't the ones you actually wanted. A part of me feels like it won't last long like this is just a pressure cooker of emotions and we are both just waiting for it to be done. I'm getting all those  NEW emotions the butterflies, the smiling uncontrollably and general goodness but there are always doubts with those emotions and I'm trying not to bring them up and just feel them. I just need to relax and have things flow and flow and flow.

That's all I really got feelings upon feelings aren't they fun.