I'm a lotus in summer

I found out that Ryan has a girlfriend.

 

At first I didn’t know what to think, I mean after what I’ve been through with him I kind of blocked him from my thoughts. I’m over the situation but there was a moment when my heart just stopped.  One thing I learned so far if things aren’t meant to be then they aren’t meant to be. They’re reasons why Ryan and I never got together and they will always be reasons. I have to be happy with the choices   I make and I can’t allow myself to be knocked down by choices other people make.  I’m happy that he’s happy and that’s the god honest truth. Why should I be miserable? Why should that hold me back from loving someone else?

 

Talking about someone else, I got friend-zoned a couple days ago. I can’t say it wasn’t expected but it had a feeling of awww. I got over it though I’m quickly bouncing back when things seem to but a little heart wrenching  I don’t know if I’m use to being friend-zoned or I don’t really give a damn anymore or maybe because I’m not interested. I thought I knew what kind of man I want I mean looks wise ;men with tattoo’s  and beards defiantly holds an appeal to me and I want my man to have tattoo’s up the ying yang and a beard . Am I going to get that? I don’t know I mean it’s a want but is it a must for me? I’m attracted to guys who look like that but what about personality? Can I get a man who looks the way I want and have a great personality to go with that? Am I asking too much?

 

I don’t know what the universe has for me and it drives me a little crazy but I figured if you know what’s going to happen in your future, you make sure to hell that you’ll change your past.  Like I said before I’m happy with the choices I’ve made and I have to stick to that. There is going to be a time and a place where I’m going to find someone to be with and it could be for a minute an hour or even a lifetime it’s going to happen, I have no choice but to believe it will happen, my mom always said my patience was the greatest thing that god gave to me.

Pray the happy away.

I found something about myself yesterday, My friend and I begun asking ourselves what are we grateful for today and what would we wish for today. I'm slowly realising that I'm have to find things that I'm grateful and what I wish for. I though it would be easy! I was wrong. It's taking me a couple moments to think what I'm grateful for. I already used up my family, my friends and my life what else could I be grateful for?

That has me thinking as much as I thought my life was bad and dreary it's not. I make it seem like it's something not worth living for. I have a good life and I've haven't been through something that's terrible to over come. I've been living and I should be grateful that I haven't been through anything that has questioned my reason to live. Yesterday I was going to say I wish I was happier but what would make me happier? I have a home and job a car and money in my bank. I get to do things that most people can't so why am I asking to be happier?

Miles to get to you and you never answered your door.

The whole Ryan situation ended in n  a text and a single sentence.

I wasn't expecting a response and when I received one I was surprised how I felt ; elated, sad and a sudden sense of doom. I continued on thinking I was doing the right  thing but the responses I received I felt more of  "oh no" what did I open.  I finally got the answer I 've been waiting for and it wasn't a good one, I had to read it a couple times to actually have my brain kick in and say THIS IS THE END.  I was at a bar with some friend's while this happen; it took all of me not to drown  my sorrows in the drinking and drinking . I didn't though I still regret my lame ass response it was  ' Alright then ' I think it was the shock of it all and I had nothing else to say or I didn't want to continue to talk to him.

It's funny that we don't realize that it hurts until we let go of what was holding the wound closed. I cried on my way home, if anybody saw me that night they probably thought I was crazy but I cried and cried but it wasn't harsh guttural sobs, just silent tears that just kept coming. I kept thinking the years that we've talked and the years that we didn't talk. How is this any different from what we've done?

I know that it's over; whatever we had is over I think that's one of the reason's I cried so much because I mourned for what we had and for what we never will have. He has his own demons to fight and I can't be there while he fights them as a friend or as anything else. I want to think he's doing this to protect me from himself because if I was to be with him I would get mixed up with his demon's and I would resent the shadows he created for us. (At least that's what I'm telling myself ) I'm okay now and I will be okay later Ryan will always be a sore spot for me but just like the other men that have been in my life he's just a chapter that's in my unfinished book.

I'm an Animal in a cage.

Ryan call me.
Ryan.. called me .

I'm not going to deny that it makes me happy that he called cause I'm totally happy that he called. It's just the circumstances on why he called and he was drunk when he called that has me sad. He's a dangerous person and I mean that in a emotional state wise. He's lonely because he pushed people away and he's a drunk who calls people to hang out but when he's sober he doesn't bother with any of them ( ME)

I'm a sucker in the most obvious ways. I love him and I want him to be better but I  CAN'T make him better if he doesn't want to be. He knows he is what he is and I think he only feels it when he drunk but he hides it when he's sober till  he can't handle it anymore. My friends tell me I should forget about  him  (total cliche) I can't help it though . There is one person that you'll always come back to and that's him.

I want better, I deserve better but I can't help myself but drag my self down with him. I feel like his anchor and the boat is sinking.This can be completely one sided I can have all these emotions and thoughts and wanting for him and he could have nothing for me. While we were on the couch he had his head in my lap and his hand was holding my wrist I thought this is what love is, this is what I want -this moment. I think when we are not speaking for months I will remember that and maybe it will be a memory I always keep to myself  when I know we are no longer what we are to each other.

We sort of made plans to hang out this weekend. I told him to call me he said he will but the past seems to always make a fool of the present I don't think he will call. As much as I hope he does the dark pit of negativity tell's me he won't . I want to call but I don't think I will.

You're underneath my skin and I'm itching to get you out.

I can't say that I'm afraid of many things really it's just mostly zombies (because people coming back from the dead and eating other people, why wouldn't you be afraid). The things  that have been happening in  last year and into the new year has made me restless. I've said this before and I will say it many times after I am 25 yrs old and I'm still a virgin. I don't think I've come to terms with that. It's been awhile since I've had a relationship and the ones that I did have really didn't even last the long to make seem like it was an actual one.

Things were fine when I was 22 and even 23 or even 24 and I was still a virgin but now being 25  it's starting to bother me a bit. I know people seem happy and interested when I say that I'm a virgin to me they think  is a medal of honor (which hey that's cool I dig medal's  and awards) I lived it 25 years and I'm afraid I'm always going to be this way.

I'm afraid that I'm going to be alone and barren (not the barren part, I mean childless). I hate when people say "I really don't understand why you're still single (well dammit me too) so I shrug my shoulder and smile politely and say I don't know either. I really don't know! That's the crazy part I dress up I dress down I play all the right parts and I smile at all the right moments and I'm still single at 25.I don't want to wait till I'm 30 to be with the guy  I want to marry or be with a guy. I've been waiting so long

Now that I'm reading this back.. this seems awfully whiny which I'm okay with, I don't want to be 25 and single I don't want to be 30 and still a virgin even though 30 seems far off now. I'm seeing life like that clearly and it makes me sad.

I wave my hands in the air

Apparently I'm not  finish in my self destruction of love.

I heard from a friend that's he's been talking to this other girl (22 yr old) and calling her when he's lonely and they've hung out a few times. When she was telling me all of this I zoned out and each pictured each  scene was of them together being happy. At first I didn't know what to think; apart of me want to hide underneath my work desk and just cry and cry and cry the other part of me wanted to call him and demanded answers. She also told me that  he got a new phone and he doesn't have any phones numbers and I got back to that day when I FB messaged him (yes I did that) and I told him to never to contact me again (yes, I was that dramatic).  I told him not to contact me ever again he's just validating my wishes or is he.

This is were the self depreciation begins why am I not good enough to be called on, what is it about myself that he can't call me. I don't want to come off as whiny or needy and  I don't want to beg his  for affections. I just want some answers I guess that's why I still think of him because there are  questions I want to ask.  I want to call him this weekend but I don't want to because I feel like I'm going to get ignored and feel even worst then I am now. It could be a good thing that I don't call and I just forget about him just erase him from my memory I did it once when he moved away , What's stopping me from doing it now?

I've been wandering, trying to be found

I haven't wrote in this in awhile, if you look at my last post you can see the time line (it's been hell-a long)
I guess I've been busy with my life to write anything or maybe I've realized once its written down I can look back on what was written I can finally feel it. As sad it may sound I don't want to feel anything, I just want to go through the motions through life and be done with it.

I went to Chicago and I thought it was fantastic it felt good to be in a different place! I didn't feel like I belong but I didn't feel lost either. I think that's my problem I feel like I don't belong there is this part of me that feels like I can never get on the same level with anyone.

I'm a mountain in the distance.

I"m still single, I don't mind it either. I'm still a virgin, I'm not sure if I mind it anymore I'm 25 yes, I know I should be proud that I held it down for so long but I want companionship and I have  partners along the way but it never really has gotten anywhere. Should I take that as a sign ? Maybe when it comes down to actually having sex I get freaked out.

I'm in love with someone who doesn't have any regard for me at all, is too selfish is to much of a coward to ever love me. Why should I love this person ? Why should I even care? We've known each other for a couple years. The first moment I saw him I had the biggest crush on him! Me being the klutz I am was a complete ditz about it. Some how we started hanging out once and awhile then we messed around which was amazing for me but there are things that we did that meant alot to me that I can forget. We use to lay in bed together and just sleep. What guy does that!!! What happen to me and him left me more confused then ever. Then he moved away for a year or two and I slowly forgot him then out of no where he came back into my life. Everything change and everything was the same which frustrates me HE FRUSTRATES me!

He called me drunk on his birthday asking me to pick up him and wanting me to sleep over and he would make me breakfast. I wanted to hear him tell me that so many times but not when he was drunk. I went; I'm a fool I will always go when he calls or tries to get in touch with me. There are few times I resisted and I always regretted them. (I have so much regret with him). That night we mess around I didn't stay as much as I wanted to ( I really did) I came back the next day and we just laid in bed together talking , laughing but nothing sexual happened. I was happy in that moment but also disappointment it felt like I was okay to get down when he was drunk but when sober it was nothing there to go for.


Alot of things happen in-between and we haven't talked since then, I sent him a message to not call me when drunk or don't call me at all. I felt happy and relieved at the time I sent it but after when I notice he read it and didn't want to reply I felt hurt and pushed aside and used.  I hated that feeling, I still feel that way. I think about him all the time I want to call him and talk to him. He makes me feel crazy and all these feelings that I hate that I think all the time. He makes  me not want to feel anymore He makes me not want to love anymore.


I'm an enemy of my own self. I punish myself for all the things that happen to me but I have to remember each blame I place on my self is just a reflection of the person that I blame. ( does that make sense)

I think I will call him one day and get what I want from this whole mess of a mess we've made. I do wonder if I affect him the way he affected me. Does he feel regret ?  Does he want to call me ? Does he love me ?